Research has shown that there are certain patterns that couples can fall into that tend to have a negative impact on their marriage. The three below are the main behaviors that threaten the bond that holds you and your partner together over time:

Escalation – All couples argue from time to time, but when disagreements turn into anger, contempt, or hurtful comments, a lot of damage can occur. This may involve voices getting louder and emotions getting more intense, but not necessarily. Escalation can also occur in a more subtle form just by returning a negative comment with a negative comment. This kind of tit for tat exchange can lead to some very damaging feelings that can chip away at your foundation. 

Invalidation – This is a subtle form of disrespect or putting your partner down. Invalidation occurs when one person says or implies that the other person’s thoughts, feelings, or character is wrong or unimportant. This can occur in many ways, one example would be when one partner tells the other something positive that he or she has done, expecting to be praised for it. But the partner ignores the good work or behavior and points out a problem instead. Over time, this can substantially weaken your connection with your partner. Stopping or avoiding this pattern is one of the most powerful things you can do to build a great marriage and keep it strong.

Negative interpretations – This is a “glass half empty” mindset problem. When someone interprets words or actions negatively, they’re working from the belief that those words or actions were meant to hurt them, when that may not be the case at all. They believe the worst instead of the best in order to confirm the bad thing they think is true. Rather than look for the positive, they make negative judgments about other people’s thoughts and actions. This mindset leads to defensiveness and it can prevent couples from having constructive discussions. In the worst cases it can lead to unwarranted feelings of victimization and the desire to seek revenge. It seems pretty clear how that can affect a marriage.

Even if you currently find yourself or your partner falling into one of these patterns, it’s not too late to change. Becoming aware of these destructive habits is the first step to overcoming them.

~Philip Lingle